Ed Post
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T USE PASCAL
Graphic Software Systems
P.O. Box 673
25117 S.W. Parkway
Wilsonville, OR 97070
Copyright (c) 1982
 Back in the good old
days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the
boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the
literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that understood computer
programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer
said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in
capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like
"computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers --
they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out that Real Men don't
"relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)
But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which little old ladies
can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the
water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even understand their very own
Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced
by high-school students with TRASH-80's.
There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical high-school
junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will
give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help
explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real
Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary
savings).
LANGUAGES
The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language
he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth,
the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce
your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing it
'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment
that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by
Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H
compilers. Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done
-- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer.
- Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in
assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured
programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more
easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and techniques.
They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to
show their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some obscure
journal or another -- clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out
of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable
tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs
that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World
was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of
two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't
help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on
Real Programmers and Structured Programming:
- Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
- Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused.
- Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting.
- Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds
in the middle of a tight loop.
- Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
- Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real
Programmers don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated when
necessary using assigned GOTO's.
Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data Types,
Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth
(the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book [2] contending that you
could write a program based on data structures, instead of the other way around. As all
Real Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists,
structures, sets -- these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just
as easily without messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The
worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming
Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six
character) variable name.
OPERATING SYSTEMS
What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M,
after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school
students can understand and use CP/M.
Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker never can remember
what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a
glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around
the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers.
No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and understand the
description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can
write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find
bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually
seen this done.)
OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy days of work with a
single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way
to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing
system that runs on OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion that
they were mistaken.
PROGRAMMING TOOLS
What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real Programmer could run
his programs by keying them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days when
computers had front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real
Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever
it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when
the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or
remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray,
inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually
toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when
it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.
One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas Instruments. One
day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the middle of
saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the
user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in
hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real
Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along
with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies.
In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers standing in line to
use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch.
The Real Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor"
program. Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer
must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the
best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on
their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a
computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the
computer with a mouse.
Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into editors running
on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VI being two. The problem with
these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get"
to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No the Real Programmer
wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic,
powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise.
It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles transmission
line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is
to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any
possible typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even
worse -- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine.
For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program that is
close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the binary object code directly,
using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This
works so well that many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original
FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it
comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything
less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would
even know where to start. This is called "job security".
Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:
- FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of programming -- great
for making Quiche. See comments above on structured programming.
- Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.
- Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, destroy most of the
interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the operating system
code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
- Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code locked up in a card
file, because it implies that its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded [5].
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK
Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are worthy of the
efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be
caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for
People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).
- Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb
simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
- Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions.
- It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that
our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
- Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems for cruise
missiles.
Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory
in California. Many of them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager
spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small
spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of
navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six
years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries.
Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few
hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and
photographed a new moon of Jupiter.
The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past
Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the
surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for
navigation to these tolerances.
As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. Government --
mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud
has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters
at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some
grand unified language called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA
was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming
-- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons.
In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer.
Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it
approachable -- it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operating
system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm
sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work
in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.)
Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.
The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more
trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it.
There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not
playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge
in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn
down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in
Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use
for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so
there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL
programs.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY
Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is
constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun
anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the
Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two.
Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room:
- At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating
system security and how to get around it.
- At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his
simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
- At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.
- At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had
the sort routine working before the coronary."
- In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past
the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get
it right the first time.
THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT
What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an
important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money
it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where
he can get his work done.
The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this
terminal are:
- Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly
chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
- Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be
cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
- Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of
Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
- Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969.
- Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the
type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in
the vending machine.
- Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for
special occasions.
- Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of
the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the
maintenance people.)
The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under
intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the
Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If
there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more
challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons.
This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting
the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation.
In general:
- No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).
- Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
- Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
- Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].
- A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the
entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table.
- Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the
morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.
THE FUTURE
What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest
generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life
as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone
graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College
graduates these days are soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source
level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists"
manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry
of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers?
From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers
everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the
efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding
structured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have
come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself
back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like
God meant them to be.
Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of
Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two
different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype
driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C'
programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type
checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of
the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly
language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.)
No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the popular press has
even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving
places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real
Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals,
bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in
and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!
ACKNOWLEGEMENT
I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G.,
Rich E., for their help
in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy
E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspiration.
REFERENCES
[1] Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat
Quiche", New
York, Pocket Books, 1982.
[2] Wirth, N., "Algorithms +
Data Structures =
Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.
[3] Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text
Processing",
IEEE Trans. Prof.
Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4,
Dec. 4, 1980.
[4] Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text
Editors
-- or -- a Cookbook for an
EMACS", B.S. Thesis,
MIT/LCS/TM-165,
Massachusetts Institute of
Technology, May 1980.
[5] Weinberg, G., "The
Psychology of Computer
Programming", New York,
Van Nostrand Reinhold,
1971, p. 110.
[6] Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted
to
the DoD", Sigplan
notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct
1978.
[7] Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol.
3
No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66.
[8] "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.
[9] sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu
Oct
21 16:55:16 1982 |